I looked at my own cervix.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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