I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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