I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
