why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
