I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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