Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I look better un-naked...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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