Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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