I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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