So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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