Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The air taste purple.
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