I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
