I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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