Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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