I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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