One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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