I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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