my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I pour the whiskey from now on
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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