My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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