____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
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I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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