i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
