I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How's work?
Spinning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
