do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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