Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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