I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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