Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
