My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
