my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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