Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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