He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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