are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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