There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
