So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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