From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
