I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
