$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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