hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
