i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment