Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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