you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
