I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
