how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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