I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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