You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
