I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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