We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
