you would pick up someone in the library
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
