the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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