wrigley field is MILF paradise
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
