He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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