Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
