At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
