does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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