so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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