Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
