wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
